Are you okay?
“I’m fine.”
“Are you really okay?”
We all know where this conversation is going right?
That can mean anything from “I’m barely holding it together” to “I will set this house on fire with my mind”— nothing nearly close to being fine — and yet, we toss it around like a verbal handshake.
It’s the universal equivalent of pressing the ‘Skip Intro’ button on Netflix.
Efficient? Yes. Emotionally fulfilling? Not so much.
In the 16th–17th century, “Fine” was often used to describe something of high quality (a fine wine, a fine lady).
In the 18th–19th century, it began being used more commonly about a person’s well-being. “I am fine” meaning one was in good health or spirits.
In the 20th century, it became a default, polite response in casual conversations.
But as social niceties developed, “I’m fine” also took on a layer of emotional deflection—often said when someone isn’t fine at all.
By the late 20th and early 21st centuries, texting culture and the lack of tone in it led to misinterpretation, and “I’m fine”became a go-to phrase for shutting down conversations.
It became notorious for being a passive-aggressive or emotionally repressed response.
As conversations around mental health and emotional expression grew, people became more aware of hidden emotional cues in everyday speech.
In relationships, “I’m fine” is often a red flag that things are not fine—sometimes carrying an unspoken expectation that the other person should already know what’s wrong.
The problem is, that habitual responses like “I’m fine” aren’t just social lubrication—they’re conversation roadblocks. Over time, they condition us to expect nothing more from our interactions.
We stop listening and stop engaging, and instead of forming connections, we merely exchange empty syllables like malfunctioning customer service bots.
When conversations become purely transactional, people feel less valued and less seen.
The truth is, small talk is a social script, and “I’m fine” is its leading actor. It’s the phrase we use to dodge vulnerability while keeping things running smoothly, like an IT guy ignoring the ‘Update Required’ notification on an office computer for six months.
But let’s be real—what if we stopped running on autopilot and answered honestly?
What if, instead of defaulting to “I’m fine,” we gave people something real? Not a therapy session, of course, but an honest, middle-ground response that invites connection. So, next time someone asks, “How are you?” consider whether “I’m fine” is cutting it.
If you want to know how someone is doing, maybe don’t settle for “I’m fine.” Instead, ask: “Fine, how?” or “I’m here, we have time, do you want to talk about it?”
A good listener: the ultimate green flag
Studies show that when people feel heard, stress decreases, and belonging increases
But how do we know someone is truly listening? Maybe they are staring at our faces thinking of how many calories speaking burns or how many tongue rolls one can do in a day.
Tiny verbal cues, the linguistic equivalent of micro-expressions, signal engagement, skepticism, or emotional distance in a conversation.
How a raised eyebrow or a fleeting smirk can expose true feelings. “Oh, really?”, “I see”, or “You know?” can make you seem a little bit hostile.
- Oh, really?” can express genuine curiosity (Tell me more!) or quiet doubt (That sounds unlikely).
- “I see.” might be deep understanding (I get it now!) or complete indifference (I’m waiting for my turn to talk).
- “You know?” can invite agreement (We’re on the same page, right?) or act as a filler (I need a second to gather my thoughts).
Said&Spoken 