Is small talk dying? Or are we not paying attention any more?
Research by Robin Dunbar, ‘Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language’, 1996, Harvard University Press, suggests that small talk evolved as a form of “social grooming”, essential for human bonding. But today, people would rather look at their phones to avoid small talk.
I know I would.
And when I can’t, I use the plain old – How’s it going?
That brings me to the question:
Are we paying attention to how someone really is?
I am sure you’d agree that we ask, “How are you?”, “How are you doing?”, “How’s it going?”, and the likes of “What’s up?” out of a reflex. When we ask, we prefer nothing more than the usual, ‘I’m good and you?” – because it keeps the conversation going.
What if we removed that social expression from our vocabulary?
We’d be left with Hello… and a gulp, radio silence, and… an awkward smile?
It wasn’t always so. The phrase once expressed genuine concern for another’s well-being.
Was it because medical science wasn’t so developed and death was common or because fewer viral videos were going around that needed immediate catering? I’m not so sure.
A Quora answer sent me on a humorous yet intriguing journey that somehow led to poop. According to the French, the Romans linked health directly to digestion—yes, poop.
And so, when they met on the street, they greeted each other with the Latin phrase “Quomodo defecás?”(meaning “How are you defecating?”) or a variation of it. Responses were short or detailed, describing consistency, shape, or any unusual changes— yes! this was completely normal.
The Romans were quite open about bodily functions, and public latrines were social spaces where people discussed daily affairs while doing their business.
Then time passed by and people went their own ways and decided to politely inquire about not only about poop but other things. So they proceeded to the humble and modest, “How are you doing?”.
Not only for the Romans but also for every civilization that they had contact with – which is most of the world.
That said, there’s some debate over how widespread this practice was. It might be more of an amusing linguistic theory rather than a strictly documented historical fact.
Today, “How are you?” wears a more superficial look, with little expectation of a deep or honest answer.
But here’s the thing—small talk isn’t so small. Sometimes, it’s the one thing standing between someone and the edge of a bad day (or worse).
Take this, for example:
The “How Are You?” that could have prevented a suicide
Kevin Hines, a survivor of a 2000 suicide-attempt from the Golden Gate Bridge, later revealed that he had hoped someone—anyone—would notice his distress and ask how he was, with real intent. No one did.
He survived the jump, and his story became a powerful message for mental health awareness, proving that a simple, genuine “How are you?” can save a life.
Viktor Frankl’s life-changing conversation in a concentration camp
Viktor Frankl, the psychologist and Holocaust survivor who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, was once asked “How are you?” by a fellow prisoner in Auschwitz.
Instead of giving the expected response, he reflected deeply on suffering, survival, and the power of meaning. That moment helped shape his theory that even in the worst conditions, a person can find purpose.
His book, inspired by such conversations, went on to influence millions.
These stories are a reminder that even the most routine words can carry unexpected weight, depending on how they’re said and received. And it’s even more a reason for us to start paying attention.
So, ‘take care’.
Some historians believe pirates used “Take care” as a serious warning—a reminder to avoid shipwrecks, scurvy, or even sea monsters (or at least, what they feared were sea monsters). It wasn’t a pleasantry; it was survival advice.
Others speculate that “Take care of yourself” took on a darker twist in organized crime. Depending on the tone, it could be either a friendly farewell or a thinly veiled threat.
But what’s the actual advice here?
Isn’t taking care a human’s most basic job? Breathing, eating, drinking water, sleeping, wearing expensive cologne, and slathering on niacinamide—aren’t these all variations of the same task? From the moment we’re born, survival is the one thing we’re programmed to do. So why do we still tell people to do the one thing they’re designed for?
Because, despite having one job, humans are notoriously bad at it. We skip meals, ignore our emotions, burn out, and make questionable life choices. Sometimes, a simple “Take care” is the gentle nudge we need.
Now, think about when someone says, “Hey… take care, alright?” with emphasis—suddenly, it carries weight, concern, maybe even a sense of protection.
So, instead of tossing out “Take care” as an empty phrase, what if we actually meant it? What if, for a second, we tuned into the person’s well-being when we said it? Or better yet, what if we replaced it with something more intentional?
Try these instead:
- “Be kind to yourself.” (Because taking care isn’t just physical.)
- “Stay good.” (A little mysterious, a little cool.)
- “Hold yourself together. It will pay off” (For the ones barely managing, but still trying.)
Words only matter if we make them matter.
The key is intentionality—we’re so used to these small phrases that we forget they shape how people feel in conversations. Swapping the usual throwaways for more thoughtful, engaged, and precise alternatives can instantly make your interactions feel richer, more connected, and more meaningful.
We think we communicate with full sentences, but in reality, these tiny, throwaway phrases shape how we are understood—and how we understand others.
“Take care”, “How are you?”, “Oh, really…” and “What’s cooking?” are a blank canvas. The way we say them—or whether we swap them out for something more deliberate—determines if they actually mean something.
And there’s proof that small talk matters.
Movies flop hard when they don’t get it right. A film where every character only speaks in plot-relevant dialogue? Feels like watching aliens trying to impersonate humans.
Even doctors are trained in small talk because it helps patients feel more comfortable and less anxious.
Imagine a doctor walking in and immediately saying, “Your blood work looks catastrophic.” Nope. Instead, they ease in with, “So, how’s your week been?” (as if that matters more than the impending medical doom, but hey, it works).
The same goes for waiters who ask “How’s everything tasting?” instead of “Are you regretting your menu choice?”, or barbers who master the “Going anywhere nice on holiday?” question to avoid 30 minutes of silent, forced eye contact in the mirror.
The point? It’s not enough to pay attention to opening and closing phrases—we should be intentional about everything that comes out of our mouths. Small talk isn’t filler; it’s the oil that keeps the social engine running. And who knows? Small talk isn’t an awkward necessity—it’s the first step toward a new story, an unexpected connection, or an adventure you didn’t see coming.
Said&Spoken 